Monday, December 22, 2008

This Week's Winner: The Napoleon of Narcissism Claims Damages of $100 Million

I probably shouldn't be writing this, since Donald Trump--AKA "The Donald," AKA the litigious lecher, AKA the sue-happy hedonist--has been known to enjoin the rest of us "little people" from committing all manner of infractions against him, real or imagined. And it is entirely within the realm of the possible that such an egotistical imperator actually pays people to go online and hunt up random acts of libel against the him. We are, after all, talking about the guy who, without so much as a smirk of irony, tried to copyright the phrase, "you're fired," so that every time it was uttered, someone would have to pay him a royalty.

So how has the Emperor of Entreaty encountered the wrath of your humble host? In case you missed it in the big lead-up to this paragraph, Trump has sicked his attorneys on the city of Rancho Palos Verdes, charging that a city with an annual budget of $20 million managed to do upwards of $100 million in damages. The Combover King claims (with a completely straight face) that the city has violated his civil rights: "The town does everything possible to stymie everything I do."

Sounds more like a pre-pubescent temper-tantrum to me.

"Everything [he] does," turns out to be demanding the city rename a street after him, planting a row of tall ficus trees that blocked resident's view and suing the school district (which he lost) over some land he leases from them on his golf course.

What a pain.

Trump's response? "We have nothing but trouble with this town. . . . We've been treated very unfairly, very badly and we've been looking forward to this day for years. And we think we are going to win a lot of money."

I'm sure he'll need it. Trump went bankrupt in the 1990s, due, no doubt, to his personal and business largess. In 2004, Trump Hotels and Casinos sought Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, and Trump Tower Tampa filed for chapter 11 in July of this year. For anyone that's followed the career of this Napoleonic narssicist, you're already aware that he has a habit of biting off more than he can chew, and not just in terms of debt: he played legal chicken with Merv Griffin and lost, he's cheated on both wives, tried unsuccessfully to copyright a phrase he could have never thought up on his own and even lost his lawsuit with the school district in Rancho Palos Verdes. His only success in life appears to be as a reality TV show host.

Here's to Cap'n Combover and the dreadful damage wrought upon his sorry civil rights: may he meet yet another Waterloo in Rancho Palos Verdes.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Cry 'Havock!' and Let Fly the Shoes of Protest at the Dog of War

President George W. Bush was assailed by flying shoes and insults, courtesy of Iraqi journalist, Muntader al-Zaidi. “This is a gift from the Iraqis; this is the farewell kiss, you dog! This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq!”said Zaidi, to which President Bush replied, "Shoe fly, don't bother me."

President Bush, being the model of calm, cool leadership and heroism, dodged the first shoe, but then as Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Miliki moved to block the second with his hand, Mr. Bush lunged forward, catching the second shoe right in the numbers, thus protecting his teammate from being called out and simultaneously putting Zaidi out of the game--at least until someone from Muntader al-Zaidi's team catches one of Bush's team's shoes.

The security personnel that had been waiting on the sidelines rushed back into the game and pummeled Zaidi with their shoes. But Zaidi, who the referrees had clearly called out, was refusing to leave the game. As per the rules, this gave the security detail permission to drag Zaidi out to the hallway, from where reporters could hear him being kicked, beaten and sodomized. While I have no evidence that Zaidi was actually sodomized, Toby Keith, who was on the security detail, had been heard by literally dozens of witnesses as early as 2002, threatening to "put a boot in [his] ass," as Mr. Keith put it, because "it's the American way." There is no report as to whether Keith's Tony Lamas or W. Axl Rose's Doc Marten's were used in the alleged sodomy, but Mohammed Taher, a reporter for Afaq, an independent television station, owned by Prime Minister Miliki's very own Dawa Party, reported that, “he [Zaidi] was crying like a woman.” A source, close to a source, close to a source, who sits in the stall next to Mahammed Taher during his daily constitutional, said that Taher added under his breath that Zaidi would "be shitting boot polish and decorative stitching for a month of Ramadans."

I have no idea how long that is.

It is considered an insult to hit people with your shoes by Arabic people. According to tradition, this places them lower than your feet, down in the dirt, crawling in the sand, wrestling in the mud with 40 impure women, all of whom refuse to wear a head covering. It is the quintessential mid-eastern atomic wedgie, being pantsed in front of the cheerleading squad and being refused a bailout that was less than one-tenth of what AIG asked for and got, no questions asked, all rolled into one. In short, it is one heavy-duty insult.

And you thought Imelda Marcos took her shoes seriously.